Secrets

For all parents reading this, you need to know something very important. You can't keep any secrets. They all come out in Guidance Class. All. Of. Them.

Take today for instance..

Chool Counselor: "Kindergartners, let's talk a little bit today about respect. Respect is treating others the way that you would want to be treated."

Student "Mr. Counselor, My mom used to work at Hooters."

Chool Counselor: "Thank-you Jenny."

Safety Patrol

Every year, I spend some time attempting to teach my wonderful, beautiful, elementary students about the "individuals in the community that keep them safe"... Police Officers, Firefighters, Park Rangers and the like. However, these yearly entrails never go completely without verbal happenstance:

Chool Counselor: "Kindergartners, tell me a reason why you might need one of these people to help you?"

Kindergartner #1: "Explosives"
Kindergartner #2: "Heart Attacks"


Or the involvement of organized crime..

Chool Counselor: "2nd Grade, Police Officers are so important. They are friendly and can help you in many ways."

2nd Grader #1: "Not dirty cops, Mr. P"

Chool Counselor: *Sigh*

2nd Grader #2: "Mr. P, what's a dirty cop?"

Chool Counselor: *Sigh*


My end goal is to always impart to my students a little bit of wisdom and share a positive image of those first-responders in our communities that put their lives on the line for us. If I have to clear up some misconceptions about the Mafia in the mean time, so be it.

Dinner Time

Dinner time conversation between my kindergarten teacher wife and her school counselor husband:

Wife: "Did you see what happened during breakfast duty in the cafeteria?"
Me: "I try and stay out of the cafeteria during breakfast duty"
Wife: "Some kindergartner vomited.. It was stinky and chunky... and the janitor was busy outside and so it just sat there looking nasty"
Me: "Huh."
Wife: "Yea, it was just too early in the morning to look at vomit. I called the janitor and told her that she just had to get in there."
Me: "Hmm. Let's pack our lunches for tomorrow."

Manners

There are about a bajillion different little job responsibilities that an elementary school counselor has (this is nothing compared to say a teacher, or principal, whose job responsibilities easily top the 5 bajillion mark). One of these is to teach "socially appropriate behaviors", which in non-academic language (or "layman's terms") means manners. Believe it or not, kids need manners.

You might not know this about me, but take my wife's word for it, I am definitely not an expert on this subject. As something of 20 something year old, male, I would rather let more veteran hands handle this sensitive topic. However, year after year I step up to the plate, give it my best, and do a few lessons on the topic of "manners".

I really value the conversations with my students that ensue during readings of "Mind Your Manners B.B. Wolf", "Dude, that's Rude!"  and other unrivaled works of esoteric literature. For example, during our latest foray into the world of "socially appropriate behaviors", one conversation went like this:

Me: "Alright first graders, who can tell me some reasons why we choose to show manners?"
First Grader: "We should always knock on doors before going in.."
Me: "..and why do we do that?"
First Grader: "Because Mom and Dad might be wrapping Christmas presents!"

School Counselors: protecting the sanctity of Christmas, one first grader at a time.

I've lost my... Conscience..

..that "angel and devil thing"

Well, we've made it to the dog days of the school year between Valentines Day and Map Testing. We are now at the point where we are starting to rehash previous topics to make sure that the kids know them. Wellllll, I call it "rehashing" but it's technically called "enriching"( to you one-uppers out there). There is never a more intense time for a guidance counselor.

"Have we done Stranger Danger?"

Check.

"Have we done Manners?"

Check.

"Have we done Bullying and Conflict Resolution?"

Check.

"Well, son, you've done it all."

..but I have 14 weeks of school left..

"Do the lessons again, but build on them."

Yessir.

..and that's where we get intense. Time to up my game and introduce some more intense variations of each lesson. I can't simply repeat the same lessons and rename them (Although "Stranger Danger 2: This Time We're Playing For Keeps" sounds appealing) I've got to play some new cards. Enter topics like depression, cyber-bullying, and adoption. Enter the conscience.

There is nothing like trying to teach kindergarten and first grade students the concept of having a conscience in a non-biased, fully scientific, and empirical way. We just settle on "uh-oh voice" or  "That queasy feeling in your stomach". This works most of the time, unless there's fish sticks for lunch.

I really view it as a privilege to be able to try and develop a sense of ethics and citizenship with my students.. even when they tell me that "I want that voice in my head to go away so that I can do back-flips on the trampoline.".

How Christmas Break is Kinda Like Lord of the Rings

The Journey Continues..

I am not one of those crazy Lord of The Rings people. I have not really read much of the books, I don't have a life-size cardboard cut out of Orlando Bloom and I don't want to name my first son Aragorn. However, I do walk the trail to Mordor every weekday.. until now.

Bam! 2 weeks off. Hits ya quicker than (insert Lord of the Rings quip here).

Of all the stuff that I don't remember about Lord of the Rings, I do remember one specific part: Near the end of the final movie, the heroes have clenched final victory and the movie's protagonist, Frodo, goes away on a boat to a new place instead of just retiring back to the old homestead. The author implies that Frodo has experienced so much.. stuff, that he simply can't return back to the doldrums of his previous life. I'm no Frodo, but I'm finding that being a school counselor is a teeny bit like that. I have gone from no extra time to having too much time. 

Instead of chasing dragons with a sword, I was chasing vomit in "teenager shoes" (see 1st post). I have gone from entirely too much to do, to nothing to do. It's been interesting. Now, don't dog me, I know how to relax and that I need to, but look at the things that I have done in the last 48 hours:

1. Play video games
2. Drink soda
3. Change some light bulbs
4. Vacuum
5. Do some dishes
6. Repeat.

Yes, Yes, there's some more I need to do and will do in the following days, but you get this gist. This kind of transition is a bit strange when there is not a single issue of Kindergarten one-upping, vomit sand, or puppets involved.

Top 10..ish

My students actually watch more Letterman than I do.. I'm usually asleep.

Well.. as the the first semester of the school year winds down and blessed Christmas arrives upon us, I thought it pertinent to contrive a brief listing a valuable insights that I have learned throughout this time.   Mind you, this is not by any means an exhaustive list. I would not be so bold.

10.. When given the choice between coloring with a 64 pack of crayons or a No. 2 lead pencil, students will pick the lead pencil every time.

9.. When given the choice between spilling the 64 pack of crayons vs the No. 2 lead pencil, students will pick the 64 pack of crayons every time.

8.. At the beginning of every POST- recess class, give the students time to dump those darn playground rocks out of their shoes. If you forget, they will end up on your head (I don't want to explain that one. Darn playground rocks).

7.. Teachers can often get away with murder, but heaven help you if you pronounce their name wrong. ("His name isn't DevAn its DevON!!"). If you want to get a student's attention, call them by the wrong name.

6.. Chances are that you will go to bed earlier than your students every night.

5.. There is a difference between an Nintendo DS and a Nintendo DSI. The only thing worse than getting their names wrong is forgetting the names of various Chinese-manufactured items.

4.. In November the 1st graders start to learn how to play the recorder in preparation for the Christmas Program. It takes a special person to listen to 35 recorders trying to play a "C" at 8:00am in the morning.

3.. You will get invited to birthday parties. The student's birthday, parent's birthday, grandparent's birthday.. I even got invited to a great aunt's birthday once. I was honored.

2.. 

The first hour of my last job (social worker): Get to work, put up my coat, get some coffee, check e-mails. Make small talk.

The first hour of being a school counselor: Get to work, put up my coat, check e-mails, make lesson plan copies, go to the bathroom because it's the only chance that you'll get for the next 6 hours, help crying lost 1st grader to class, help vomiting 1st grader to nurse,  find custodian to clean up, deflect hugs from a mosh pit of 1st graders as you run to find the custodian because you are now scared that he is missing, realize the custodian is outside on bus duty and that you will have to clean up the vomit, get over the fact that you have a master's degree and cleaning up vomit, ask the secretary where the "vomit sand" is, ask yourself where you came up with the word "vomit sand", ask yourself if maybe it was that master's degree that gave you the ability to make up such phrases, mentally pat yourself on the back, continue running through the halls (even though you tell them not to), on your way to find said "vomit sand" respond "I know"  several times when the 2nd and 3rd graders tell you that "someone puked".. realize that it has only been the first 15 minutes of your day and you have about 7 and half hours left as you run down the hallways in search of "vomit sand". 

1.. When they tell you that they love you 25 times a day, ask you if they look pretty with their new hair style, tell you that that were doing pretty rough until they talked with you, tell you that they decided to make the right choice instead of the wrong one, it's actually pretty neat.

One-Uppers

Anything you can do, I can do better.

Have you ever seen the "Penlope: The One-Upper" skits on SNL? You know, the skits where someone tells the character Penelope that they are "having a baby" to which she responds something like "Well, I'm having puppy babies"? Honestly, this is the story of my life. If you were to visit my school, you would see 120 cute little 7 year old Penelope-the-One-Uppers, one-upping everyone at an incredible pace. Thing is, my "Penelope's" are much more hard-core than any version SNL could contrive. Mine are rated R one uppers. Fearless. Primitive and untamed.

Let me break it down for you.


Me: Second grade, let's talk a little bit about bullies. What does a bully do to people?
2nd Grader #1: "A bully is someone who is mean"
2nd Grader #2: "A bully is someone who hits people"
2nd Grader #3: "A bully is someone who will follow you down the hall and slam you into lockers"
2nd Grader #4: "A bully is someone who will follow you down the hall and break all of your fingers one at a time"

or

Me: Kindergarten, let's talk about respect. How do we show respect at home?

Kindergartner #1: "Don't hit anyone"

Kindergartner #2: "Don't hit your sister"

Kindergartner #3: "Don't hit your sister or your Mom and Dad"

Kindergartner #4: "Don't hit your Mom or Dad... or your Grandma!!"

This happens to me several times a day, whether we are talking about rain boots or Grandmothers. I've pretty much gotten it down to a system where I can get 2 or 3 responses and then we have to move on or Hari Kari breaks lose and I start to feel bad because they are obviously much smarter than I am. 

So, the next time that your husband (who just so happens to be a guidance counselor), starts to one-up you when  telling him about your day, just remember one thing: He's been doing it since age 5 and he's better than you.

Bus Drivers.

The Rodney Dangerfield of School Careers

Well, we're through the first quarter of the school year already and I can tell you one thing right off the bat: I love my kids. They're a blast. Even with the the continual spilling of chocolate milk on my $50 khakis, the brown crayons that get smeared all over said khakis, being continually confused with the one other male teacher in the building, and being continually corrected on MY grammatical skills.. I love the little punks.

When you care about someone and your sensitive (like me), you sort of get a handle on what the other person does not like. In my case as a school counselor it's often cooties, writing, vegetables, anything taking more than 10 minutes,  manners, or rainy days. In a recent event, I found one other thing to add to that exhaustive list: Bus Drivers.

Let's circle back to the interaction, which went a little something like this:

Chool Counselor: "1st grade, we've talked about some important careers that help people, can you name some more?"
1st Grader #1: "Doctor"
1st Grader #2: "Nurse"
1st Grader #3: "Firefighter"
1st Grader #4: "Mommies"
Chool Counselor "Well, class, would you like to hear about one more? This career helps all of us so much, we couldn't be here without it. They are with us when we go to school and on our way home. We need this career so much"
*gasps of awe from the entire class*
Chool Counselor: "It's.. our bus drivers!!!"
1st Grader #1: *uncontrollable laughter*
1st Grader #2: "seriously?"
1st Grader #3: "very funny"
1st Grader #4: "I believe, sir, that you are a first class fool" (it felt like they were saying that..)

Well, let's just say that we had to have a nice long talk after that. We talked about how everyone deserves our respect and that sometimes we (wrongly) overlook the people that we need the most, because they are already there and we've gotten so used to their dependability. I also got to share with my students that being in a community is like being a part of a body: If the foot told the leg that he "didn't need it", what a mess we would be in! All of the "parts" are needed to function the way that we are made to be and without every part things just wouldn't go right. I think that things concluded correctly and we returned to talking about beating up bad guys and listening to Justin Bieber.

Now, if I could just get them to eat their peas..

Puppetry

This is a classic 1987 Model-A puppet.

No.. this post isn't about being manipulated by a principal (ala being "puppet-ed") or about a new superintendent (ala "puppet regime"). It is 100% about puppets...and it's a story that I've been trying to avoid for a long while now. The great negro league pitcher, Sachel Paige once said "Never look behind you, because something might be gaining on you" Well, I have. It's puppets.

It's all goes back to my childhood (not really) where I would regularly engage in playing with puppets (or "puppetry" as it is called by us experts) both before and after school, long into the wee hours of the morn. One day, at the age of 19, my father told me to put the puppets up and go to college and  that was it. There's some verse in the Bible about "when I became a man, I put away childish things" and this pretty much fit the bill. The puppets and I went separate ways just as did Pete Best and the Beatles. We we're just better off apart. I dare not go back there.

Fast forward several years and thousands of dollars in student loans later later: puppets are making a comeback. Do you remember how I told you that most elementary school counselors were females, in their late 50's? Apparently 50 year old women love puppets. When I inherited my new position, the retiring counselor made sure to relay "..and by the way, I left the box of puppets for you", to which I shuddered. The state that I live in further solidifies the place of puppetry in the classroom by providing counselors with a state guidance curriculum that utilizes puppets in more than 50% of it's lessons. Either the department of elementary and secondary education is made up of 50 year old's who play with puppets all day long, or kids really do like puppets.

The time is coming neigh when I will have to open up that box of puppets and start engaging the children with silly voices and names like "Thad". I guess this is one more of those times in life, where putting away my own preferences, is really what's better for me.. and for others.

Kindergarteners

Little did I know that the Disney cartoon "Recess" would be more preparation for the world of kindergarten 
than 6 years of higher education and a lot of experience herding sheep.

Many of the more weathered teachers would tell you right off the bat that since the beginning of time, there has been no more of a degenerate and manipulative creature in the history of the world than the parvulus kindgartenicus.. otherwise known as the kindergarten child. I was also once told by a crusty old veteran teacher that teaching kindergarten students was akin to "herding puppies". Being a non-biased and individualistic soul, I accepted none of these remarks, and approached instructing kindergarteners with a completely open mind (yeah, right). 

Let me go back a step... my district is a little different than all the other ones.. let me break it down for you. We take every kindergarten aged youngling in a 30 - 40 mile radius and put them all in one building. Yea, one building. 400 kindergarteners. No kidding. Seriously.  Oh yea, they don't have a school counselor, so each elementary level counselor in the district takes a turn there one day a week. So, once a week, I take a walk up the road to the kindergarten building and experience a plethora of new emotions every 15 minutes or so.

Thing is, I kind of like it. It's been quite a learning experience to say the least and kindergarten students are kind of cute.. when they're not dirty, disobeying, climbing on things, spitting, talking about hitting people, talking about hitting puppies, talking about hitting their little sister, talking about hitting their grandma, picking their nose, chewing with their mouth open, crying over (literally) spilled milk, spilling their milk, talking about spilling their milk on another student's head, asking where milk comes from

.. or calling me "Mr. Fartkins". Which has happened twice now.

I love kindergarteners.