Juvie Jail

Occasionally within the elementary world, the words "Juvenile" and "Hall" will sporadically pop-up in conversation. You might be roaming the hallways near the boy's bathroom and hear a second grade boy claim in a cutthroat, matter-of-fact manner"Yea, I've been to juvenile" or overhear a third grade girl make threats to have another girl "sent there" for some unjust act. Essentially, the mention of Juvenile Confinement is a rite-of-passage amongst the elementary students. It's the ultimate cart blanche' (or one-upper) of phrases and if you can claim to have been there - true or not - you have demonstrated yourself to be in the upper crust of survivors.

So far this week, I have had two occasions of Kindergartens (during a lesson on Kindness, no less) mentioning their own contrived experiences at "Juvie Jail". "Can you give the class any survival tips?" I want to ask.

Tomfoolery

In a frustrated search to gain my first grade class's attention this week, I told them to "stop the tomfoolery". I succeeded.

Beard Trim

For the past several weeks and since Spring has hit, I'm feelin' a need for a change. I yearn to ditch Winter's beard and scruff for a slighty more sophisticated look. So, I trimmed my beard.

"Looks snazzy"...I told myself

"Looks very good, much needed"... said my wife

"Looks creepy".. said the first grade students as I walked in the door.

Facepalm Redux

This afternoon, a 1st grade student returned a book to the school library that a staff member had dropped in the hallway and forgotten about.

The staff member? Me.

The name of the book? "Being Careless"

Facepalm.

In my wanderlust for excitement and adventure, I made what is probably the dumbest choice in my brief School Counselor Career. Wait.. wait. .wait.. Wanderlust? Things like vomit sand, one-uppers, puppets, manners lessons, and the "Germ Defense" aren't enough for you? I. Guess. Not.

It goes back to yesterday afternoon. While having an "important discussion" with my principal, another grade level teacher popped in to display a mysterious white substance that had been making its way around and into the mouths of the elementary students in her classroom throughout the day. When she finally caught the young proliferate in charge of this scandal, all she could get was a tearful confession that it was "trick candy" that would "turn your mouth sour". The principal and I stood there a bit flummoxed as to what this mysterious Tic-Tac sized foodstuff might be. I decided right then and there to get to the bottom of this mystery. Call the local sheriff's department for analysis? Nope. Call the school resource officer to take an educated look at it? No. 

I was going to eat it myself. "No kids had gotten ill today.. Let's have an adventure" I said.

So I ate it.

"Tastes like... Fiber..?"

Fast forward to later that night, when I receive a call from my principal.

P: "I just got off the phone with Poison Control, I thought you might want to know what you ingested"

SC: "Ugh.. (slightly worried).. go ahead"

P: "Do you remember when I handed out Treasure Box last week"

SC: "Yea?"

P: "One of those students picked a small toy bean bag."

SC: "Yea?"

P: "You ate bean-bag filling"

SC: "Ugh.. is that bad?"

P: "You should pass it in 48 hours and there should be no side-effects with the levels in your system"

*Facepalm*

The "Germ Defense"

..a good offense is a good (germ) defense,.

There's a long-running cable TV show that often features a faux impersonation of the great defense attorney Johnny Cochran. in various gags. During faux-Johnny's arguments to the jury during the show, he often incorporates the "Chewbacca Defense", a long running spiel that incorporates no evidence or trial-related information, but sounds good and thus guarantees a victory for the attorney.

We have something similar. In education, it's called the "Germ-Defense". It doesn't always attack the real issue at hand, but sounds pretty dang good, so we use it anyway. Guaranteed to shock and awe when applied.

For example:

"Why did you sit in that urinal and flush it? Don't you know about all of the germs in there?!?!"

"Why did you try to kiss that boy under the table? Don't you realize how many germs are there?!?!"

"Why did you just put rock salt in your mouth and spit it at your school counselor? Don't you realize how many germs are on it?!!?"

Secrets

For all parents reading this, you need to know something very important. You can't keep any secrets. They all come out in Guidance Class. All. Of. Them.

Take today for instance..

Chool Counselor: "Kindergartners, let's talk a little bit today about respect. Respect is treating others the way that you would want to be treated."

Student "Mr. Counselor, My mom used to work at Hooters."

Chool Counselor: "Thank-you Jenny."

Safety Patrol

Every year, I spend some time attempting to teach my wonderful, beautiful, elementary students about the "individuals in the community that keep them safe"... Police Officers, Firefighters, Park Rangers and the like. However, these yearly entrails never go completely without verbal happenstance:

Chool Counselor: "Kindergartners, tell me a reason why you might need one of these people to help you?"

Kindergartner #1: "Explosives"
Kindergartner #2: "Heart Attacks"


Or the involvement of organized crime..

Chool Counselor: "2nd Grade, Police Officers are so important. They are friendly and can help you in many ways."

2nd Grader #1: "Not dirty cops, Mr. P"

Chool Counselor: *Sigh*

2nd Grader #2: "Mr. P, what's a dirty cop?"

Chool Counselor: *Sigh*


My end goal is to always impart to my students a little bit of wisdom and share a positive image of those first-responders in our communities that put their lives on the line for us. If I have to clear up some misconceptions about the Mafia in the mean time, so be it.

Dinner Time

Dinner time conversation between my kindergarten teacher wife and her school counselor husband:

Wife: "Did you see what happened during breakfast duty in the cafeteria?"
Me: "I try and stay out of the cafeteria during breakfast duty"
Wife: "Some kindergartner vomited.. It was stinky and chunky... and the janitor was busy outside and so it just sat there looking nasty"
Me: "Huh."
Wife: "Yea, it was just too early in the morning to look at vomit. I called the janitor and told her that she just had to get in there."
Me: "Hmm. Let's pack our lunches for tomorrow."

Manners

There are about a bajillion different little job responsibilities that an elementary school counselor has (this is nothing compared to say a teacher, or principal, whose job responsibilities easily top the 5 bajillion mark). One of these is to teach "socially appropriate behaviors", which in non-academic language (or "layman's terms") means manners. Believe it or not, kids need manners.

You might not know this about me, but take my wife's word for it, I am definitely not an expert on this subject. As something of 20 something year old, male, I would rather let more veteran hands handle this sensitive topic. However, year after year I step up to the plate, give it my best, and do a few lessons on the topic of "manners".

I really value the conversations with my students that ensue during readings of "Mind Your Manners B.B. Wolf", "Dude, that's Rude!"  and other unrivaled works of esoteric literature. For example, during our latest foray into the world of "socially appropriate behaviors", one conversation went like this:

Me: "Alright first graders, who can tell me some reasons why we choose to show manners?"
First Grader: "We should always knock on doors before going in.."
Me: "..and why do we do that?"
First Grader: "Because Mom and Dad might be wrapping Christmas presents!"

School Counselors: protecting the sanctity of Christmas, one first grader at a time.

I've lost my... Conscience..

..that "angel and devil thing"

Well, we've made it to the dog days of the school year between Valentines Day and Map Testing. We are now at the point where we are starting to rehash previous topics to make sure that the kids know them. Wellllll, I call it "rehashing" but it's technically called "enriching"( to you one-uppers out there). There is never a more intense time for a guidance counselor.

"Have we done Stranger Danger?"

Check.

"Have we done Manners?"

Check.

"Have we done Bullying and Conflict Resolution?"

Check.

"Well, son, you've done it all."

..but I have 14 weeks of school left..

"Do the lessons again, but build on them."

Yessir.

..and that's where we get intense. Time to up my game and introduce some more intense variations of each lesson. I can't simply repeat the same lessons and rename them (Although "Stranger Danger 2: This Time We're Playing For Keeps" sounds appealing) I've got to play some new cards. Enter topics like depression, cyber-bullying, and adoption. Enter the conscience.

There is nothing like trying to teach kindergarten and first grade students the concept of having a conscience in a non-biased, fully scientific, and empirical way. We just settle on "uh-oh voice" or  "That queasy feeling in your stomach". This works most of the time, unless there's fish sticks for lunch.

I really view it as a privilege to be able to try and develop a sense of ethics and citizenship with my students.. even when they tell me that "I want that voice in my head to go away so that I can do back-flips on the trampoline.".