Your Mind Can Go..

Working with elementary kiddos, your sense of reality starts to get just a little bent out of shape, if you let it. Sometimes you see strange things, sometimes you smell strange things, and other times you just loose all sense of reality. 

Case in point , today a 1st grade student told me that she had a pet Cheetah. My brain immediately went to how I can facilitate her bring it to school...

Valentimes Day

That's right. Valentimes day. You're not reading that incorrectly.

One of the tasks that I do as an elementary school counselor is incorrect improper speech and phrasing. It is a hallowed task and my duty to pass on to the next generation respectable industrious speech and eliminating anything reprehensible, sluggish, or lethargic.

The day that I find myself doing this the most is the Friday before Valentine's day.

Rewind a bit. The Friday before Valentine's day is one of the most chaotic of the year. It is akin to the day before Christmas Break, Halloween, or the last day of school. The entire day culminates in a huge party full of sweets, soda, games, and Tom-foolery of the worst kind. It's essentially a kiddy Mardi Gras.

It is also the day that a bunch of chocolate-crazed elementary school students insist on pronouncing Valentine's day in a most shuddering and spine-tingling manner: ValentiMes day. "It's not ValentiMes day, it's ValentiNNNNes day!" I shout for the 45th time down the hallowed halls of education.

The next thing I know, I am on my back, in the middle of a hallway, facing the ceiling. Have a lost my mind? Have I had a heart attack? No, I have spilled some of my coffee and slipped on the floor. A student runs up to me, to see if I am okay.

"Happy ValentiMes Day!" he shouts.

Lazy

Sometimes elementary school counselors get tired. That's when you have kids tie your shoes for you.

Creepy First Grade Hallways

Sometimes first grade hallways, full of  7 and 8 year olds, are.. creepy. I spend about half my life roaming hallways looking for trouble and hearing things that would land someone much older in jail. Murder threats, greed, extortion, libel, slander -- all prevalent in the first grade hallways of an elementary school. Don't believe me? Spend 15 minutes outside the 1st grade bathroom in the morning. It will put hair on your chest. Last week I walked by and heard some young hooligan scream "You'll never catch me alive!". I shrugged it off, emotionally bruised and jaded by the consistent lack of chivalry in that first grade hallway. I have become a tired pedestrian in a world where I am a pawn to a massive conglomerate of manipulative seven year olds.

I really felt it after my latest run-in when I was approached by a stern looking young lad. Our existential conversation on the human conscience and its mechanisms ended with the child stating "I once had a conscience. He's gone now".

I promptly handed over my lunch money.

Creepy First Grade Hallways -- it's basically Gotham City at night.