The Only Man

I don't know if I've mentioned this much, but being the only man in the school (besides the gym teacher, but who counts that?), has both its positives and negatives. There are days when my ego is completely stroked because I am the only male in the school an there are days when I am completely laid bare.. because I am the only male in the school.

Some days, being the only male in an elementary school is like shooting fish in a barrel. Being the best looking guy for miles is great. Being the "male role model" for every single student in the school can be an uplifting thing. Being the strongest person is pretty cool too.

You know what's not cool about being the only male in the school? Being Santa Claus. That's right, I will be Santa Claus this Christmas and over the period of two days, I will have over 400 children sitting on my lap, spilling their guts about what they want for Christmas. Why? Because I am the only male. The only one that can accomplish this feat.

Here comes Santa Claus.

Indiana Jones

Every once in awhile, educators find themselves in situations where there are simply... no words. But, there are movie lines. Although lost on many elementary-aged pupils, they are simply dynamite when used  appropriately. 

For example,

When leaving a room: "I'll be back"

When working on teamwork: "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of thew few or the one"

During gym class: "There's no crying in baseball"

When being challenged: "Go ahead, make my day"

When payment for a field trip arrives: "Show me the money"

..and my favorite line of late, from Indiana Jones & the Last Crusade..

When surprising a student who thinks they are getting away with murder: 

"I'm like a bad penny, I always turn up."

Jealousy

Every once in awhile, a teacher finds him or herself jealous about something that another has. Perhaps another teacher had some wild/crazy summer experience, receives a stipend for ridiculously easy task, or simply has that one special student that surpasses them all. That is teacher jealousy. It's fairly succinct.

Rarely, we are jealous for other reasons.

It is just not wise to be jealous.

Fast forward to this afternoon, I sat at the desk of principal, hob-knobing about the our daily elementary adventures with one-uppers, juvie-jailers, and the like, when she hits me with her latest story-of-the-day. I don't remember much, other than it was hilarious. What I remember most is what happened next.

"..That's great" I replied. "You need to keep that story in the book that you will write some day. It seriously, a great story. Seriously. I mean it.".

"..Ohh, that story? It's nothing. Wouldn't even crack my Top 50." she stated.

"Huh." I came back plainly. Inside, jealousy and albeit -anger- stirred up like a blazing inferno. Unbelievable. 

I felt a bit shamed. Here she was, with better stories than me. That the likes of mine wouldn't crack a Top 50. I was more than hurt, I was jealous. I wanted her stories. I don't care about my paltry salary, my sore feet, or the fifteen times that I have been on antibiotics this year. I want those stories! 

It is just not wise to be jealous. 

Juvie Jail #2: Shawshank

At the end of today's long day, a small little first grade boy ran up to me to inform me, with a smile, that he would indeed like to "go to jail when he grows up".

In my tiredness, because of said long day, I responded in my best Han Solo voice:

"You obviously haven't seen Shawshank, kid."

"I hate that movie" the young first grade boy replied.

Cell Phone

Guidance lesson topic: "I can cope appropriately with sadness"

Question to fist grade class: "...and why isn't good to spend all day, every day, on your phone?"

Answer from first grade student: "Because you would run out of data"

Response from Guidance Counselor: "sigh"

Electrical Storm Bus Duty

There comes the inevitable portion of the school year when inclement weather plays a role in your professional development.

Take this past week when a sudden spring thunderstorm interrupted all learning activities for the day. After several hours of this, said thunderstorm transitioned into something a little more fierce -- a full blown electrical storm, regularly throwing bolts as fierce as Oden's fury itself. Of course, this all happened on the way to pickup duty when several staff members are out corralling students to the safety of school buses and transport home.

At one point during the height of the electrical storm bus duty, I unsurprisingly received the call that more help was needed out their in the midst o the storm. *Of course* I wasn't getting out of this and so I made my way to the staff closet to search for an umbrella to protect me from Oden's fury. After opening the door and scanning the room, I *of course* couldn't find an umbrella. Finally, after briskly moving items about the room, I found a toddler-sized cartoon umbrella that was much too smaller for my frame. "This will have to do" I resolved to myself and began to run a full Baywatch-style run to the bus lot to save the day.

..within 2 seconds the wind from the electrical storm broke the umbrella, turning it into a metal rod, and exposing me to all of the elements. To the appreciation of several 4th graders around me, I was immediately soaked.

Following bus duty, I approached my principal for solace or word of respite. She immediately commented: "The only thing that would have made that duty better was if you would have gotten struck by lighting"

Crazy Fridays

By the time Friday has arrived to an elementary school, adults are done. When I worked in the "real world", on Friday, they were done too. So they left early. You can't leave early in an Elementary School or there would be 425 kids all alone at school. So on Fridays, we have "Fun Friday" which consists of lots of movies and recesses, and starts some time after lunch when normal people would be clocking out.

By the time Friday has arrive to an elementary school, the students are done. They want to clock out early too. But if they did, you would have 20 staff members without a job. So on Fridays, they think of new ways to start trouble, tell stories, and cause chaos. Some of them do such terrible things, they can't go to Fun Friday.

We have Fun Friday's because the kids are crazy, the kids who are crazy can't go to Fun Friday, it's the Circle Of Life.

Principal For The Day

Somewhere in the annals of history, there is a rule written something like this: "If thy principal is gone for thee day and no assistant principal existith to compensate, thy school principal shall make the calls". It was my turn yesterday. It was also a Crazy Friday.

I spent the majority of the morning wrangling with one uppers, juvie jailers, and kiddos that would have preferred to take a 4 day weekend. By 10:05, I was spent. Following a 6 minute lunch and numerous little headaches in the hallways, I made my way back down to the principal's office where Hermando was. Hermando, a 9 year old 3rd grader was sent to the office for angrily squeezing some poor little girls arm. Also in the office was Steve, a first grade boy who was awaiting pickup -- his behavior was sending him home early.

So, on we went with the principal spiel, "What did you do?", etc. As Hermando and I interacted, little Steve watched very intently (why couldn't Steve had just sit like this instead of sliding down banisters?). "Hermando", I said exhaustively, "Do you know what it's called when you hurt another person? "No." Well Hermando, that's called assault."

That's when Steve, who's pickup had just arrived, raised his hand and gave the most accurate answer of his day: "Hermando, it's ASSAULT, not like salt in a salt shaker" Then he left. 

... all I could down is throw my hands up, laugh, and think about the annals of history. 

Han Solo

Sometimes (many times) when you have spent the entire day dealing with one uppers, deflecting talk about Juvie Jail, and using the "Germ Defense", you tend to become a bit (a lot) un-relaxed, prone to frustration, and just ready to cut to the point of any interaction. Other times, you become silly, flighty, or sarcastic. Either way, by the end of a rough day (hour), adult conversation can become a difficult thing. Often, during these points, I find myself making a lot of body noises, grunts, and hand motions to interact with other adults in my attempt to communicate successfully. Sometimes, I even turn into Han Solo.

Near the end of one recent day, a parent came in to talk with the counselor. I could tell that the parent was very nervous about how the proceeding conversation was going to be and the details that she was going to have to divulge. Seeing this hesitation and ready to move on with the conversation, I immediately threw my hands up into the air and said (like the scoundrel I am) "Don't worry lady, I've seen it all".

Yep, that's me. 28 years old. 5-8. Han Solo Educator. Seen. It. All.

#Facepalm

Spring Break.

Ah. Spring Break. A time of winsome adventure for students and a time to relax and recharge for teachers. Unless you're a tax-paying adult.

I am spending my hard-earned free time and my hard-earned cash on the couch, recuperating from having all of my wisdom teeth taken from me. The most enjoyment that I am getting out of Spring Break is the laughing gas that the dentist gave me. Even that cost $$$. I am paying to spend all of my time off in bed.

Be careful one-upping first graders, I've got something for you during Show & Tell: 4 adult-sized wisdom teeth in a bag.

Juvie Jail

Occasionally within the elementary world, the words "Juvenile" and "Hall" will sporadically pop-up in conversation. You might be roaming the hallways near the boy's bathroom and hear a second grade boy claim in a cutthroat, matter-of-fact manner"Yea, I've been to juvenile" or overhear a third grade girl make threats to have another girl "sent there" for some unjust act. Essentially, the mention of Juvenile Confinement is a rite-of-passage amongst the elementary students. It's the ultimate cart blanche' (or one-upper) of phrases and if you can claim to have been there - true or not - you have demonstrated yourself to be in the upper crust of survivors.

So far this week, I have had two occasions of Kindergartens (during a lesson on Kindness, no less) mentioning their own contrived experiences at "Juvie Jail". "Can you give the class any survival tips?" I want to ask.

Tomfoolery

In a frustrated search to gain my first grade class's attention this week, I told them to "stop the tomfoolery". I succeeded.

Beard Trim

For the past several weeks and since Spring has hit, I'm feelin' a need for a change. I yearn to ditch Winter's beard and scruff for a slighty more sophisticated look. So, I trimmed my beard.

"Looks snazzy"...I told myself

"Looks very good, much needed"... said my wife

"Looks creepy".. said the first grade students as I walked in the door.

Facepalm Redux

This afternoon, a 1st grade student returned a book to the school library that a staff member had dropped in the hallway and forgotten about.

The staff member? Me.

The name of the book? "Being Careless"

Facepalm.

In my wanderlust for excitement and adventure, I made what is probably the dumbest choice in my brief School Counselor Career. Wait.. wait. .wait.. Wanderlust? Things like vomit sand, one-uppers, puppets, manners lessons, and the "Germ Defense" aren't enough for you? I. Guess. Not.

It goes back to yesterday afternoon. While having an "important discussion" with my principal, another grade level teacher popped in to display a mysterious white substance that had been making its way around and into the mouths of the elementary students in her classroom throughout the day. When she finally caught the young proliferate in charge of this scandal, all she could get was a tearful confession that it was "trick candy" that would "turn your mouth sour". The principal and I stood there a bit flummoxed as to what this mysterious Tic-Tac sized foodstuff might be. I decided right then and there to get to the bottom of this mystery. Call the local sheriff's department for analysis? Nope. Call the school resource officer to take an educated look at it? No. 

I was going to eat it myself. "No kids had gotten ill today.. Let's have an adventure" I said.

So I ate it.

"Tastes like... Fiber..?"

Fast forward to later that night, when I receive a call from my principal.

P: "I just got off the phone with Poison Control, I thought you might want to know what you ingested"

SC: "Ugh.. (slightly worried).. go ahead"

P: "Do you remember when I handed out Treasure Box last week"

SC: "Yea?"

P: "One of those students picked a small toy bean bag."

SC: "Yea?"

P: "You ate bean-bag filling"

SC: "Ugh.. is that bad?"

P: "You should pass it in 48 hours and there should be no side-effects with the levels in your system"

*Facepalm*

The "Germ Defense"

..a good offense is a good (germ) defense,.

There's a long-running cable TV show that often features a faux impersonation of the great defense attorney Johnny Cochran. in various gags. During faux-Johnny's arguments to the jury during the show, he often incorporates the "Chewbacca Defense", a long running spiel that incorporates no evidence or trial-related information, but sounds good and thus guarantees a victory for the attorney.

We have something similar. In education, it's called the "Germ-Defense". It doesn't always attack the real issue at hand, but sounds pretty dang good, so we use it anyway. Guaranteed to shock and awe when applied.

For example:

"Why did you sit in that urinal and flush it? Don't you know about all of the germs in there?!?!"

"Why did you try to kiss that boy under the table? Don't you realize how many germs are there?!?!"

"Why did you just put rock salt in your mouth and spit it at your school counselor? Don't you realize how many germs are on it?!!?"